Incorporating children into a second marriage wedding can be tricky. Here are our answers to how to deal with this sensitive situation.
Q: The man I'm marrying has a son who will be nine years old when we get married. I want to give him something during the ceremony to show that I am not just marrying his father, but joining his family too! I have no idea what to get him. Can you help?
A: How about a really nice watch? Maybe one of those cool pocket watches hidden in a gold or silver case. The symbolism of time -- that you will love and support your new son for the rest of your life -- is appropriate and a watch is something people use every day, so he'll always remember it was from you. You can even have the back engraved with the date or a personal message. It's wonderful that you've thought to include your fiance's son in your ceremony; you can count on the fact that he'll always remember your loving gesture.
Q: I'm divorced with three children, girls ages 16 and 14 and a boy, 10. I'm engaged to a wonderful, supportive man who truly loves me and my kids. I feel it's important to involve the kids in the wedding. My fiance has never been married, and wants a very traditional wedding. (I think I'd much rather elope!) How can we involve the kids directly, without being tacky?
A: It's never tacky to include your kids in your wedding, no matter how traditional an affair it is! All three of your children could stand up in the wedding as junior attendants. Or have them each read something during the ceremony. They could even escort you down the aisle, symbolically giving you and your fiance their blessing. No matter how you decide to involve them in the ceremony, consider doing a special vow exchange or family prayer/reading right after you exchange marriage vows, in which your new husband promises to love and care for them, and you all reinforce your new family ties together.
Q: My fiance has a child from his first marriage that I have no interest or desire in incorporating into my wedding. Some say that I am obligated to do so, but my future husband just wants to do what makes me happy. He comes from a large, traditional family who would be offended if I don't incorporate his son into the festivities. I don't want to because it's our day, and I don't need a reminder of my fiance's past lack of contraception. What do you think?
A: We hate to break it to you, but this "reminder of his past lack of contraception" is your fiance's son and, like it or not, he's going to be a major part of your life! After all, your husband's son is your stepson. It's selfish to simply decide this kid has no place in your life together. Clearly you have issues about this situation, issues that need to be resolved before you get married. Who's included in your wedding is up to the two of you, but including your fiance's son will set the stage for his involvement in your lives. The family's opinion aside, don't you want this child to feel loved by his dad -- and don't you want to be a part of that too? For his son's sake, hopefully the answer is yes. Now's the time to begin what can become a very special relationship.